I’m having a rough time. I haven’t been on here in a while but I need somewhere to vent and I feel like my abanonded fandom tumblr is as good a place as any.

I’m pregnant. And while I’m very happy and this was very much a planned pregnancy with my husband it’s also bringing me a lot of pain, anxiety and maybe a little regret. I’ll explain. I knew pregnancy was no walk in the park but man, this shit is hard. I have severe morning sickness and throw up violently pretty much every day. I’ve been popping blood vessels in my face and have tiny red dots all over my eyes and cheeks. And morning sickness is an adorable name. Sometimes I don’t feel better all day. Sometimes it’s til 4pm. Sometimes it’s an hr. But it’s all horrible. I have gestational diabetes which is fairly common but also scary and life changing. I’ve always been a pretty healthy eater but now I am now on a super strict diet and have to be very conscious of what I eat. I have to measure my blood levels 4 times a day and the medication is very expensive. We aren’t begging for food but we aren’t rich by any means. I don’t know how the insurance companies and drug companies expect people to pay $100 for only a 20 day supply of medicine. It’s insane. It’s so frustrating and my insurance is no help. It covers basically nothing. I have to see my doctors more frequently and see specialists and the bills are racking up.

I feel like I can’t vent too much to my family and friends because I don’t want them to judge me. I already feel like a bad mom. I keep having nightmares that I mess everything up. I’m so scared of everything that’s to come but everyone wants me to be so excited. And I am but I’m more terrified.

I just wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything go perfectly smooth. I wish I just knew everything was gonna be okay.

I hate waiting and that’s what pregnancy is. A big waiting game. And when you have complications it just makes waiting all the worse.

End rant. For now.

Sorry to blow up your feed with my crazy, hormonal, freaked out rants. But there might be more to come.